Tough Love Under The Microscope

[Prozac]

When a person tries to do things repeatedly and does not learn any lesson from his past mistakes ... a TOUGH LOVE
model is suggested by some experts.

Tough love is love and affectionate concern expressed in a stern and unsentimental manner to promote responsible
behavior in a person. Tough love is about recognizing faults, overcoming them, growing stronger, realizing one's
mistakes, and learning from them in the process.
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Let me clarify before the idea of tough love can be misconstrued in bizarre ways. It is not that the parents withdraw
their love and become unsympathetic, unfeeling, and cruel.

Tough love is just reminding the person messing up his life to take responsibility, blame, punishment, or accountability
for his actions. The earlier he realizes his mistakes, the early is the healing process is.
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What are examples of tough love? Tough love can be seen in these scenarios: A parent taking away your phone or deciding
you were grounded for a month or giving you a curfew because you have a habit of seeing your male classmates at night.

Or it can be seen in a concerned friend who refused to give you another drink after seeing you exploding in a violent temper
resulting in your daily brush with the law!
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So if you are messing with drugs and your sister turned you to the police ... that is tough love. If you have been chasing
skirts what more do you expect than your girlfriend giving you a break-up?

Borrowing money is a form of addiction. So what is the best tough love model suited for you other than severing ties with
you or cutting your financial aid?
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If your parents or partners muster enough courage to give you a slice of tough love ... recalibrate your thoughts and
reframe your judgment that it is a sign of their respect for you. They love you and definitely, they don't want you to rot
in the hellhole you are in. Tough love is more about holding you responsible and accountable to basic parameters of
behavior.

If you are not the best version of yourself ... it takes a dose of TOUGH LOVE to snap you out of your senses and make you
feel constrained and obligated to higher standards.
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We are all familiar with the old saying “Parents see their children through rose-colored glasses.” It is usually meant as
an insult as parents failed to notice negative things even when warning alarms and red flags are evident. They see things
as better even though it is not. Indeed we clap our hands as they continue staying optimistic and positive ... loving their
children despite their flaws. The sad reality is, we are enabling our children to continue doing wrong ... when it needs
to stop.

Tough love is about setting boundaries and reminding your child of his excesses. It is about setting limits ... a rude
awakening that he needs to change. It is overcoming challenges ... and growing stronger through adversity.
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Honesty is a form of tough love. It is important to note that parents were able to communicate in all honesty their feelings
even if it meant hurting their children in the process.

Children should understand that parents are not hurting them willfully or deliberately. It comes with the territory. Honest
discussions about how parents perceived them have to be said whether they like it or not. Honesty can be brutal however
it is living evidence and proof of how much parents care for them and how much they want their relationship to work.
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Setting limits and boundaries in a parent-children relationship is also a form of tough love. Standing up for your boundaries
means standing up for your rights, feelings beliefs, and needs. If you say to your child, "No, you can't get that money ..." is
quite over the top and your child will resent that.

True ... it is a Herculean task to establish these parameters from the get-go, especially if you want children to respect these
boundaries. But there will be a time when all were said and done ... you will be glad you did it. Both of you will grow ... when
you were able to set boundaries (and respect it) in your relationship.
*******

[Prozac]

6 ways to respond to genuine tough love
1. Listen to understand first. You cannot hear if you are preparing to defend your position at the same time.
2. Be open-minded. ...
3. Look at it from the other person's perspective. ...
4. Pause before replying. ...
5. Recognize your feelings. ...
6. Acknowledge the feedback. ...

[Prozac]

A friend was telling me that I have been talking about the PROS of tough love. He was asking if there are also
CONS.

Sure, tough love can be a genuine, and sincere way of showing our concern. But there is a potential drawback
to tough love. The person given tough love may misconstrue your concern as a prejudicial critique of themselves,
a destructive appraisal of their behavior, or they will feel we are so authoritarian, pushy, and oppressive.

Your loved ones feel they have to do something and they feel the need to correct and fine-tune all the facets of
your situation. The reason why they do that is out of anxiety - when they see there is no light at the end of the
tunnel for you, they become impotent and defenseless.

To avoid their helpless feelings, they become dictatorial spelling out what is lacking in you and what strategies
you need to try to improve yourself. The more paralyzed they become ... the more demands they will ask from
you. Making you more frustrated.

[Prozac]

Another CON of tough love is ... human nature made it so that people are created not to like unsolicited and
unwanted sermons ... and we always hate what we hear from others

But that doesn't mean you can't learn from the tough love they sent you. Try to listen ... and imbibe the salient
nuggets of what they are telling you. Don't ignore them just because you feel frustrated or offended. Take the
weighty and pertinent points of what they say ,,, and take them into consideration.

I hope I answered your question, James.

[Prozac]

While this thread is not getting feedback from MIsso habitues, people I know are sending their nagging concerns
about tough love thru emails and other media platforms.

One friend asked me this question ... though I am not an expert per se ... allow me to give my two cents worth.
He asked: Is tough love still love?

There is no definite yardstick to establish whether tough love is love, But based on the attitude of people giving
tough love - what they do is still within the parameters of caring, friendship, and genuine concern for you. They
may be stern, strict, and look cruel in your eyes but understand that they are acting this way as a response to what
you are doing to yourself. They just want to remind you of what you have become and in their eyes, you need to
change. Tough love is still a form of love and your relationship and your parents or partner will grow if you are able
to set and understand boundaries in your relationship.

If tough love is not love ... why go that mile to show that deep concern. If they don't care about you ... they will
just let you rot and decompose in the hellhole you are in. Plain and simple.

[Prozac]

Another friend asks: When does tough love do more harm than good?

1. Tough love would do more harm if the person who is given tough love is resistant to change. He feels that what he is
doing is right and his loved ones - are the actual nemesis of why he behaves that way. He blames them. Nothing can be
achieved if the person doesn't want to listen.

2. Tough love when used in moderation can help, but extreme use can backfire. No wonder some of these people instead
of changing they even get worse by seeking refuge from drugs or alcohol. Anything excessive is not helpful

3. Tough love can be demeaning or belittling especially if the person on the receiving end is treated with no regard even
when people are looking, at parties, or in public in front of people he knows. It is a big blow to self-esteem and it deflates
the way the person sees himself, especially his self-worth.

4. Making your child or partner feel that they have to behave a certain way to feel loved by you is not a healthy sign.

[Prozac]

For all it's worth ... There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It is a good idea where “You live and let live,
but setting clear boundaries and realizing what is acceptable and what is not is important too.

What makes the relationship work is when both parents and children ... or the partners work on it. And that includes
understanding what is promoting healthy growth in your relationship and what is making it worse.